“Reservations” by Lauren LaCourse
I am pretty nervous about my upcoming competition.
I am competing at a NAGA tournament on May 10th, which means I’ve got only another month to prepare. Funny. That sounds like such a long time, especially since I have been begging my professor to let me compete for the past six months. However to me, here and now, it doesn’t seem like such a long time.
Two weeks ago I went to an all female open mat. I also attended an all female seminar on Sunday. The more I train outside of my gym, the more I realize how far I have to go. It sort of feels like I have been training under a rock.
(Photo Credit – Zachary Holston)
At my academy there are two other women that I train with. As for the rest of my time on the mats, it’s been spent having to deal with guys quicker than I am, bigger and stronger than I am, or better than I am (sometimes it’s a mixture of those things). Therefore when I attend Jiu Jitsu functions with other women, it is like the blinders are taken off, and my contentment comes to a screeching halt.
I have no tangible way to gauge where I am at in my training, as it relates to competition, since the type of people I would compete against (female, white belts, my size) aren’t readily available for me to train with at my gym.
It is frustrating.
Regardless of how prepared I think I am, I have absolutely no way to be sure of how prepared I actually am.
(Photo Credit – Yogi Studios – Becky Gibbons)
I suppose the only thing I am sure of, is that I’m scared. All of the people who say that “it’s a learning experience” and “it’s only your first competition”, have yet to make me feel more assured.
What if I am terrible? What if all of the work that I have put in wasn’t enough? How would I deal with failure? Will I be a coward? Will I shrug my shoulders and say “I gave it my best shot”, and never try again? Will I stay determined? Will I use a potential loss as fuel to become better?
As I write this, I am beginning to realize why I am so afraid. This competition will reveal which characteristic I have more of; cowardice or determination. And also, I will know firsthand if the adage is true, “You can’t lie in Jiu Jitsu”.
The question remains, will I be happy when I finally learn the truth?
This blog post was written by Lauren LaCourse of WBBJJ.com
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