Easter Explained With Jiu-Jitsu!


Written by Domenic Porcari


As you sit here reading this, you may be wondering, “what’s so special about today that they had to cancel open mat?” Or, if you’re lucky enough to have one, “what’s so special about today that its a holiday open mat?” Yea sure its got something to do with Jesus and all that, but what are we actually celebrating here? Well, let me put it in terms a grappler would understand:


In the beginning, God created two white belts named Adam and Eve. He taught them every day and every day, they had long rolls with him in the garden of Eden, never with any injuries, and unlimited Gi’s of all types and colors. The EBI and Pan Am Worlds were free to watch live, and they enjoyed limitless açai all day. All God asked of them in return for this paradise was that Adam and Eve never reap the knee under any circumstances. And with a limitless supply of submissions at their disposal, Adam and Eve agreed.


Then one day, Satan entered the garden open mat, pretending to be holding a free seminar, and called Eve out for a roll. Once they slapped and bumped, Satan told Eve about an amazingly powerful submission called the heel hook. Using it would make her a powerful grappler, able to submit anyone by just falling back in their guard and cranking their leg, even God. To execute the submission, Satan told her that all she had to do was reap the knee. Eve questioned Satan as she remembered God’s one rule, but Satan deceived her, telling her that God didn’t want them to reap because God spent all his practice time passing guard and his leg lock defense sucked, and he didn’t want Adam and Eve to be able to tap him. Temped by the power of this devastating move, Eve tried it, and Satan pretended to tap for her. Instantly she got up and showed Adam, who saw how quickly it could tap someone and applied it instantly to his game plan.


Just then, God stepped onto the mats. When they remembered the rules of the garden, Adam and Eve instantly feigned injury to avoid having to roll with God, who saw that they were favoring their Meniscus, he asked them why. Knowing that God would find out eventually, Adam and Eve both confessed their sin, forever disqualifying them and all of their children from ever competing in the garden with God ever again. Without their master, the two of them wandered the earth, trying in vain to earn their blue belts through nothing but Internet jujitsu videos.


But God hated not being able to roll with his creations, so thousands of years later, he sent his son Jesus to earth for a submission only match with Satan. If he could beat Satan, all of the white belts in the world would be allowed back into heaven to roll with God. For 33 years they rolled and Satan tried everything trick he had to submit Jesus. Satan set up countless baits, he crossfaced, pulled guard, boxed ears, slapped, wrist locked, he even had help from the refs! But Jesus’ guard game was way too strong. Unable to pass his guard, Satan lay back and viciously heel hook Jesus, gaining the upper hand in the fight. Jesus refused heard his knee pop, but refused to tap. Finally he rolled out of it, only for Satan to get him in an inescapable crucifix. Jesus spent nine hours in Satan’s crucifix, with refs and spectators yelling, “if you’re the son of God, escape! Bridge back!” Unable to submit Jesus from the crucifix, Satan came around to the top and buried Jesus in side control for three days.


Had this been a point contest, Jesus would have surely lost, but he kept his chin tucked and his elbows in for those three days, and on the third day, when Satan started to get too light on his knees, Jesus sprang to life and reversed the position, taking top side control and in an instant, choked out Satan with the strongest head and arm choke the world has ever seen.


Today is the day we celebrate Jesus’ submission of Satan. Now, because Jesus defeated Satan cleanly, we are free to roll with God whenever we want. And even if we accidentally reap, even if we grab fingers in desperation, or even if we scissor takedown just to be a jerk, God is ready and willing to forgive us, show us a better move, and slap, bump, roll all over again.
Happy Easter! OSS!



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